Literary Rap Off Dovahkiin versus Borimir ft. Undisclosed guest

(Dovahkiin, verse 1)

You wanna rap against me?
When I shout, dragons die.
Who knows what will happen,
when I make the shouts rhyme.

You kill orcs with your sword,
I beat them up inside local inns,
I'm a true son of skyrim,
in their tongue, dovahkiin,

Face it, punk,
you got outlived by your baby brother,
Here Borimir, have some block training,
You can write the check to my mother,

No lollygaggin, Borimir,
It's time to make it boom
So get close to the mic,
And show me your thu'um.

(Borimir verse 1)

One does not simply
out rap the best,
You took an arrow to the knee,
I took four in the chest.

Kick that horse in reverse,
Or I'll toss you like a dwarf,
I'll give you a moment for pity's sake,
and your band of Whiterun animorphs,

Got more swag than Bombadil,
but I keep real fresh,
What is that I smell?
Dragon/man flesh...

For Gondor! You half breed,
Take a taste of elegance,
Before my rhymes begin to enflame,
and leave you lookin like Helgen.

(Dovahkiin verse 2)

YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT FLAME?
YOL          TOOR         SHUL!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY MIC IS UP IN FLAMES, BORIMIR
YOU'RE JUST A PINCUSHION AND A FOOL,

YOUR DOG LOOKS LIKE A HORSE,
MY HORSE KNOWS NO BOUNDS,
WHETHER IT BE PHYSICS OR A DRAGON,
IT CAN HOVER OFF THE GROUNDS,

YOUR MEN AIM LIKE HELEN KELLER,
I'M A STORMCLOAK REBEL, SON
YOU BLOCK LIKE A PIECE OF KINDLING,
AND YOUR DAD LOOKS LIKE ONE TOO!

BE CAREFUL, BOROMIR,
OR I'LL TOAST YOU LIKE YOUR PA,
BACK IT UP, BACK IT UP,
FUS.... RO..................DAHHH!!!!


(Is there anyone who can save Gondor.... anyone?)

































































Rohan will answer,









(Theoden verse)

DROPPIN ELEPHANTS LIKE THE BASS,
SPITTIN RHYMES, KEEPIN IT TIGHT,
LIKE LYDIA THE HOUSECARL,
I CARRY YOUR BURDENS TONIGHT,

WATCH ME DOVAHKIIN,
YOU DON'T THINK I'M SERIOUS?
I'LL SPIN YOU ROUND AND ROUND,
TIL YOU CONTRACT SANGUINE VAMPIRIS,

BACK IT UP DOVAHKIIN,
NO ONE'S EVER BREACHED MY RAPS,
I MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE SMEAGOL,
AND SMELL LIKE DRAGON CRAPS,

MY RAPS CAUGHT YOU OFF GUARD,
LEVEL THOSE SKILLS DOVAHKIIN,
WASH UP YOUR BLACK EYE,
AND WATCH THE RED SKIES FOR ALDUIN.

Liberty, Justice, and Epic for ALL

It came to me as I was doing dishes at work tonight.

I live in the best country in the world.

...Or least, the one with the coolest historical figures.


Last year, it was my 4th of July fireworks post.

This year, I'm going to tell you how awesome America is.

1. George (freaking) Washington.

Everyone knows this guy because he created America.
But we fail to realize just how bad-hombre  he really is

Example #1-

According to history and my friend who told me this story,

George Washington, back in the French and Indian War, when he served in Britain's Military,

Was in a winter fort, and was short of riders when his unit needed to deliver a message.

Washington essentially said, "Give me that, if you want something done right, do it your freaking self."


So Washington says he'll be back and rides off into the snowy winter.

He doesn't encounter any Native Americans or The French. However, he does whilst riding encounter a frozen lake, with thin ice.

Washington's horse sinks and drowns, and Washington climbs out of the freezing lake AND WALKS THE REST OF THE WAY.


And after all this, we still talk about Chuck Norris?


Example #2-

He was the ultimate General, in every since.

Cornwallis (The British Equal to Washington in the Revolution) must've hated his guts, because Washington was so much more ready than he was... all the time.


Washington once was outnumbered vastly, Cornwallis was giving him a day to surrender, before he came marching up a hill where Washington's men were encamped with his British legions.

Washington tells his men,

"Leave the campfires going, and lets get the crap out of here."

They leave the campfires so the British lookouts don't suspect anything, and boat by boat, Washington ports his men across the Potomac.

And by morning, when Cornwallis trots up there... Washington is standing in the last boat,
looking right at Cornwallis as he floats away.

As if to say,

"Come at me, bro."





2. Paul Revere

I want to think that Paul Revere was some upstanding citizen of Boston who was trusted by all when he yelled, "TO ARMS, TO ARMS! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!"

But that wouldn't be as funny would it?

I'd prefer to think that Paul Revere was the biggest prankster in Boston who happened to have the fastest horse.

So when the British were in the port,

John Hancock and the other guys were like,

"Crap, crap crap... go get someone to go tell everyone to get up, the British are here."

"But the only guy that is still awake is Paul..."

"....okay, fine just make sure he's out there fast."

(As Paul is riding,)

Paul: "The British are coming! look out your windows! in the port, to arms!"

Citizen of boston: "lol, gosh dangit, okay, whatever you say, Pau-.... uh oh."


3. Benjamin (hatersgonnahate) Franklin



This man, had some serious swag.

He was essentially the first American celeb.
He was Charlie Sheen, only still sane and more widely liked.
However, Franklin was still an immensely popular ladies man.

By this I mean, that he didn't think himself to be a ladies man,

By this I mean, from Paris to Boston to Mount Vernon,

He was loved by every lady from ages 18-45.

I mean, once you achieve the "I discovered electricity, invented the mail AND the printing press, as well as become one of the greatest scholars to ever live but at the same time be the best party-going 'merican hoodlum this side of the mississipi,"

You pretty much get the only guy they ever COULD to put on the $100 bill.



4. Kevin Dan LeClerc

This man,

Basically rose from humble beginnings in a town that was so reclusive, that it wasn't on most maps at the time, (except in the phillipines)

To attending University of Kent at Canterbury.. which for those of you who don't know, is in England.


He is a trivia master, cunning and quite frankly, unbeatable in words with friends, or any other spelling game that necessitates the acrylic alphabet.

He also taught the British how to play basketball (correctly) while at Kent, and when returned home, explored about 97% of the continental United States... to the point where he could've probably made Sacajawea look like Helen Keller as far as navigation.


He is also my father, and the reason I have the competence see the betterment in my country,
The United States of America.

Happy 4th of July everyone.

Rockstar vs. Rockjoke Rap off: Robert Plant vs. Chad Kroeger

(Kroeger verse 1)

Cause we all just wanna be big Rockstars,
getting old and weak, being driven in cars,

My lyrics are so raw, they make you beg for an oven,
wait a minute, you're already baked, whole lotta lovin,

For a flamboyant English guy, I guess you're alright,
but if today was your last day, could you win this rap tonight?

I've got a concert in five if you'll pardon me,
In a couple more verses, you'll be singing "Savin me."

(Robert Verse 1)

Hey there Chad, I just wanted to let you know,
THAT IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I ROCK N ROLLLL,


STEP OFF MY PLATE, BEFORE I EAT YOU UP,
IN THE HOUSES OF THE HOLY, DOIN THE MISTY MOUNTAIN HOP


HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE LED ZEPPELIN SCORNED,
THIS ENDS TONIGHT, YOU ARE, NEVERMORE.


(Chad Kroeger Last verse... ever)

I see your point, you're a old withered hag,
Just.... just....

(Robert finishing verse)

.... get your face a brown bag?


WITH NO MORTAL RIVALS, MY VOICE NO MAN TAMES,
MY PIPES RUN MILES ROUND YOURS, I PLAY NO GAMES,

DON'T UNDERESTIMATE, OUR WITHERING FRAMES,
BECAUSE WE PAVED YOUR ROAD, YOUR BEAST WE TAMED,

I WONT ASK YOU TO REMEMBER, ALL WE DID DO,
SO THAT POSERS LIKE YOU CAN ROYALLY SCREW,

ALL THAT WE FOUNDED AND SLAVED OVER HARD,
TO BECOME THE ORIGINAL ROCK N ROLL BARDS

NOW STEP BACK CHAD, FOR MY SOUL I WILL POUR,
BEFORE I LET YOU WIN THIS BATTLE OF EVERMORE.

Stephen vs. Connor Rap Off

(Malburg Verse 1)

Open up your ears, and let the bass drop,

My kick drum thunders and it just won't stop.

I'm catching a fever, so swag and delicious

the only prescription are my rhymes, so malicious!

and my cymbals crashing and my snare is up in flames,

 I'll break your rhythm, and rend your riffs lame

Cause I play dubstep drums, and you shred like Nancy Drew,

You feel my bass, Connor? Cause it's dropping down on you!

(Connor Verse 1)

I'm the best worship guitarist there ever has been,
I'll take your sister to prom, and never call her again!

My rhymes are so thick, they've got their own BMI,
I be dropping them on you, in the blink of an eye.

Hows your face, Stephen, Is it feeling okay?

Cause I'll tear up some scales and melt it away!

Did you hear about the new grand master of beat?

It's me, fool hater, watch me stomp mah feet!

(Malburg Verse 2)

Watch out, Connor, cause I'm Mal-lurkin around,

getting ready to pounce, before you make a sound,

I'm the pro of all beats, you're nothing against me,
I drop rhymes so fresh, you'll find em at any grocery,

Can you hear that sound, booming about?

It's the sound of me WINNING, now hear me SHOUTTTTTTTTT!


(Connor Verse 2)

Shut your mouth, Malburg, on your knees and hail,
to the six string king of the minor scale!

I shred guitar so fast, I need slow motion,

and my rhymes so smooth, like Suave skin-lotion

I'm a Viking-swag-shredder and I'll make your mind pop,
Now swallow your dumb bass, and let it drop

Literary Rap off: Deep Magic Rhymes, Draco vs. Edmund (ft. Aslan)

(Edmund Rap)

There's only room for one traitor here,
So Evanesco, punk! Make you dissapear!

I've got rhymes thicker than your daddy's chops,
punch you in the face, hear your nose go "pop"

I'm the king of Narnia, you're a wannabe villain,
I slay fools like you when I just be chillin,

quit crying and rhyme, your swag is witherin
Before I gather my centaurs and we take down Slytherin!

(Draco Rap)

I have reason to believe that YOUR swag is dead,
Your witch queen had a lion bite off her head,

Go back to Cair Paravel, your family and snuggle,
while my deatheater daddy kills all you muggles,

You're nothing but a joke of a king and page,
watching for a fake lion at every end of an age,

I'll assure you now, if that lion were real,
He'd come up now and-
(Aslan's onslaught)

ROARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

KEEP YOUR DISTANCE BOY!

OR I'LL BRAKE YOUR SERPENT FABLE,
LIKE I BROKE THE STONE TABLE!

DON'T GET UP, DON'T EVEN TRY,
WHO SAYS I'M NOT REAL, WHO SAYS I CAN'T FLY!?!?!

YOU MIGHT'VE BEEN COOL, RIDING ON A LITTLE TRAIN,

BUT I CREATED A WHOLE WORLD, IN ONE MELODIC REFRAIN!

I EAT VILLAINS LIKE YOU, EVERY END OF AN AGE,
SO I DARE YOU,  SEE WHAT HAPPENS, GO ON, TURN THE PAGE.

Skyrim LIKE A BOSS! *SPOILER ALERTS!*

Scribe: "Dovakiin, thank you for letting me in here to analyze your work, so... who's in charge around skyrim?"

Dovakiin: "I am... I'm the boss."

Scribe: "Alright... so take me through a day in the life of 'the boss,' "

Well the first thing I do is...
GET EXECUTED, LIKE A BOSS!



KILL IMPERIALS, LIKE A BOSS!

JOIN THE STORMCLOAKS, LIKE A BOSS!


INVADE WHITERUN, LIKE A BOSS!

LEARN A THUU'UM, LIKE BOSS!

KILL A DRAUGR, LIKE A BOSS!

RUSH A MARRIAGE, LIKE A BOSS!

DIRECT FOLLOWERS, LIKE A BOSS!

MY OWN MANOR, LIKE A BOSS!

BUY SOME SKOOMA, GET ARRESTED!

BUY A HORSE, EVADE PHYSICS!

SHARDS OF WUUTHRAD, LIKE A BOSS!

PASS OUT IN A TAVERN, LIKE A BOSS!

MEET AN ASSASSIN, SHOUT HER BRAINS OUT!

TURN INTO DRAGON,  CRASH INTO THE SUN!

NOW I'M DEAD!

Scribe: "mmhmm, I see... so that's a average day for you then?"

Dovahkiin: "Absoloutely, I'm the boss."

Scribe: "You crash into the sun and die..."


Dovahkiin: "Ohhh yeahh..."

Scribe: "and at some point in there I think you said somethig about evading phsyics?"

Dovahkiin: "Nope."

Scribe: "Actually, I'm very sure you did."

Dovahkiin: "Nah, that ain't me..."