Funerals

I understand, that when you read the title of this blog, you probably thought:
"Oh. my. word. Oh no he didn't. that is like, soooooooo depressing."

My initial statement to you would be if you think the word "so" like that, you probably need to see a neurological therapist to fix your brain.

My second, would be that you read this entire post and hear me out, because this will be funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.












I was watching Lord of the Rings, Return of the King. And I saw the scene where Gandalf and Pippin are all depressed behind a gate, getting ready to die, and Pippin says
"I didn't think it would end like this." Because Pippin is probably thinking Gandalf is going to say something like "No problem, I'll just rain down a storm of light and fire and save us."
BUT NO!
Instead, he replies:

"End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take..."
(prepare for epic sentence composition and awesome made up hyphenated words)
"... the gray rain-curtain of this world pulls back and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it..."

And at this point, Pippin is thinking "holy crap Gandalf, you really smoked something serious before we started fighting, because that sounds awesome."
so he asks Gandalf, he says
"See what, Gandalf? See What?"

And Gandalf, totally blows Pippin's mind:
He says
"...white shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise."

And then, Pippin remembers they're about to die and he just totally starts to shed tears because he knows that there IS life after death, not to mention that Gandalf worded it like it was as great as God taking you out to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings in heaven and he's paying.

"That isn't so bad."

Pippin replies.

To rest your mind if you haven't seen the movie, I'll tell you WITHOUT SPOILING IT that they don't die. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Holy Crap, what will my funeral be like?

I will tell you, I don't think about it often, and it's kind of hard to think about. But I hope my comedic opinion will help.
I will make a list of things how I imagine things will happen.


- The cause of death will read in my local newspaper (which they'll have to bring back just for my death because the printed media will probably have caved in by then).
"Died saving his family from a fire-breathing dragon."

- They will get a famous black preacher to proclaim my life story.
- the venue of the funeral will be Westminster Abbey, making the black preacher aspect even better.
- The vehicle that they will roll my sold jade casket out on will be a viking longboat on a hitch being pulled by 40 Clydesdale horses. Actually, make it 50.
- During the Procession, directly behind my viking longboat, there will be a hitch pulling a stage, with the James Horner Orchestra, actually being conducted by James Horner. Playing the entire soundtrack of Braveheart.
- I will be laid to rest in the jade casket, in the longboat, in a cave in the middle of Northern England.


I realize this is all very unrealistic.
But again, I am Connor.
Besides, it would be boring and depressing if it wasn't.

AAGGGHHHH!!!
More blog on the way

Death-Metal Band Names

It occurred to me that death metal bands are possibly the scariest thing ever to plague the earth since Secret of Nimh 2.

I have discovered though, one humorous aspect of them- their names. I think that these are some great examples of what I'm talking about:

Cradle of Filth- You have to wonder how their advertiser feels about their band name, imagine him trying to put sell ads,

-"Hey, check out this band!"

-"what's their name?"

-" Cradle of Filth"

-"Oh lord. They must be terrible."

See what I mean?


-Children of Bodom
I did some research, a "bodom" is a glass bead......... Wait, what?
Children... of.... wha, I don't.... just, no....


-Death
Oooooohhhhhh, you guys got real creative.


-Cannibal Corpse
Taboo issues,
Comin your way!!!

-In Flames
...Just like your career.

-Austrian Death Machine
Why not just call yourselves "Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

-Gojira
Dude, not cool. You can't go screaming that with all these Japanese kids around.

-Pig Destroyer
Also answers to "Famous Dave"

-Runemagick
"Oh crap guys, we misspelled magic!"

-Ebony Tears
Ouch.

-Arch Enemy
All the other bands really hate them.

-Trap Them
Their manager is Admiral Ackbar.

-Strapping Young Lad
You might as well have named yourselves "Postal" because you need to LEAVE!





As you can see, we clearly need more authentic names for these bands.

More posts on the way.
Be Prepared.

Elevator Pranks

It has occurred to me, that there are a shortage of good pranks.
Here are a couple to perform in elevators:

1. Dress up as Admiral Akbar from Star Wars, stand in the elevator opposite from the button panel, when the doors close, scream as loudly as you can: "ITS A TRAP!"

2. Go alone, in an elevator dressed as a mime. When the bellboy asks you, "what floor?" just look look at yourself, then at him and say, "Dude, I'm a mime."

3. Go in an elevator and when the bellboy asks you "what floor?" just scream, "TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL."

4. Dress like the devil, and go to a elevator you know has NO LOWER LEVELS. Before the bellboy can ask you "what floor?" Just say "Down, we need to talk."

5. Dress up like a eagle with a sling on your fake wing. Walk into a crowded elevator and when the doors close and you've progressed a while, just yell "I freaking fell! Okay?!!"

6. Walk into an elevator with a friend, and act like you don't know each other. When the doors close, and at least three people (of whom you DON'T know) get on, look at each other, have one of you say "We meet again.." Pull out toy light sabers and attempt to lock sabers while in an elevator.

7. Walk into an elevator and when people get on or off, make race car noises as they get on or off.

8. Walk into an elevator and when you lift off, whisper to the person next to you (heavy panting is optional)- "Hey- we're going up."

9. Walk into an elevator with a group of people dressed like the members of Aerosmith, and when you get in, air-band "Love in an elevator."

10. Walk into an elevator dressed like Han Solo from Star Wars, a friend dressed like Chewbacca, and have him stand next to the buttons, when everyone is on, tell him this "PUNCH IT CHEWIE!" And have him press ALL OF THE BUTTONS.

7.

The Tolkien Rap

(My Tribute to the master of Fantasy Fiction)

I'm a World War Veteran and an Oxford scholar,

Kickin it in rivdendell poppin my collar.

I wrote nine languages just for my books,

Hobbits, punk, Gamgees, Harfoots and Tooks,

My name strikes fear in the heart of the hater,

I've got Rowling in a chokehold, like a british darth vader.

What you got on me? I'm the king of this game!

I'll send you back to Hogwarts to a grave with no name.

So go ahead and bring on your best,

I'm a master professor, scoring 400 on tests.

I wrote the hobbit in the trenches of the great war,

Layin siege to germany like Rhun on Gondor.

A summary of Tolkien in 5 five words or less

"Playa-hatin duke of fantasy," I roll with the best.

Chillin with The Inklings, dishing out the words

We make the roman senate look like a bunch of nerds.

I'm like a freaking wizard, dawg, you'll be nothin but grass

When I throw my staff down and say ,"YOU SHALL NOT PASS."

I don't have much more that I've got to say,

maybe other than this: "Papa John is here to stay."

Cause I'm about to bring the elvish tengwar to sindarin,

But you can't outwrite me cause I'm JRR Tolkien!

Chili Recipes

I now realize what can go in a chili recipe:
Anything.
Literally, is there anything you could not put in a pot of chili?
No, there isn't, quit hatin.
I have consulted a few websites, and I have come up with my own chili recipe.

1. Tomato sauce.
(you can't have chili without this...)

2. Tomato Paste
(...Or this).

3. Ground Beef, and other assorted tasty meats.
(You need meat in your chili recipe, or else, you're just a hippie).

4. Onions
(It's alright, you can cry, you just won't be man enough for my chili, more for me, that's all)

5. Jalapeno peppers. Fresh.
(Okay, now you may cry, but please do so without a frown, instead, make a war cry and finish that bowl. Wimp).

6. Habanero peppers
(Okay, I'm crying too, but we'll make it man, okay? STAY WITH ME, BRO!)

7. a half cup of BBQ sauce
(you can breathe now, I think the spice trolls are gone... OR ARE THEY?!?)

8. sixteen ghost peppers... whole
(...nope, they're back.)

9. Kidney beans
(You need them and you know it).

10. chili beans
(They're chili beans. Why wouldn't you have them?)

11. KFC popcorn chicken. lots of it.
(Beat the colonel at his own game. He's dead, what's he gonna do, tell everyone your secret. Nope).

12. A side of ribs (on the side).
(Nothin says "I was hungry, shut up," like a full rack of ribs as your side dish).

13. 2/3 a can of coca cola
(Give a little love, it all comes back to you, that way you don't have to share it again).

14. A pinch of brown sugar
(A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. And a cup of brown sugar beefs up a buck wild pot of chili).

(and finally, the secret recipe).

15. one can of pasteurized unicorn blood
(like I said, so secret- YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND IT!)

More connorisms on the horizon.
Hark!

Prom Rides

It has occurred to me that prom is no time for normal.
It is a time to go absolutely buck-wild with everything.
For example, a friend of mine will be touching down in a helicopter a couple blocks away from the prom itself, my date and I plus another ten ourselves will be riding on a speedboat hooked up to a truck, will be riding up to the red carpet of prom.

And I can't help but think,

Is this all we've got?













First off, I think there are several ways to improve our ride alone:

1. a Union Jack flag on the back of the boat.
Honestly, no boat is complete without a banner, the union jack happens to be the coolest looking.

2. A giant crossbow (Ballista)
Without an intimidation factor, we could easily be taken captive.

3. A new outfit for me.
If it were up to me, while a tuxedo is great and amazing. I need a black coat with obscene amounts of medals, tasseled shoulder pads, and a Napolean hat.
This way I can actually scream when we reach the prom-
"Once more to the breach! Tallyho!"

(and finally)

4. A speaker system blaring Richard Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries."
Nothing says "In your face, knave!" Like blaring Wagner, wearing Victorian military array, flying a union jack while one of your prom men mans the ballista behind you.

Needless to say, I've only skimmed the surface of what is possible to max out the prom experience.

More random jank to come,
Beware.

Air Fresheners

my mother picks out absoloutely the most generic air fresheners. For example here is a couple I found in my house the other day:

- White Tea.

You know they have a name for that, right? It got a name; freaking milk.
and when you throw it in can and spray it, it doesn't smell good. At all.

- Hawaiian Breeze

This is mockery in the third Degree. I know I'm not in Hawaii, don't patronize me with it's aroma.

- Fresh Linen

Listen, if I want to smell linen, in it's freshness, I will open my dryer and sniff the dry clothes.
While I may look like a freak sniffing laundry, I could do this.

So, it goes without saying we need better air fresheners.

I propose I start a brand: "Connor's Battle-Scents"

- Burning Thatch Roof

"Now you're house can smell like a burning cottage too! No fire added."

- Man Flesh

"What is it? What do you smell?... Man Flesh."

- Grimy Gunman
"Nothing says Battle like a soldier who hasn't bathed in a month."

I will be posting more random crap soon.
Be afraid be very afraid.