Fake Names

It occurred to me, that to be a famous person, sometimes you have to ditch your real name for a really dumb one.

Since I want to keep a somewhat popular and tasteful blog, I will not name any names.

I will say however, that 50 cent is a VERY STUPID fake name.

I started to think about it, and I decided that I could make better fake names for myself than any famous person, on any given day of the week.

So, here are a few I came up with:

If I was a rapper...

I would bust rhymes as Rap Mastah B-Wulf,

I would create the sub genre of Nordic Rap,

My first album would be entitled "The Viking Life."

it would include songs like "Raiders gonna Raid," "Stick it to the Chieftain," and the title track would peak at (maybe) #89 on billboard's top 100.

If I was in the matrix...

I would be Xerxes, and I would be merciful, yet a fierce warrior... kind of like, a honey badger...

Nope, they're always ticked.

If I were a viking...

I would be "Conferth the Dark-Hewer." My list of accomplishments would include:

-Slaying 40 dragons on a sinking battleship.

-Assassinating the inventor of the Hot Pocket.

-Beating Nazi zombies on Call of Duty.

and

-Beating Barack Obama at Civilization V online... which wasn't really that impressive.

If I were a middle aged southern man...

My name would be Ol' Conny Barkins.

I would sit out on my porch clutching a double barreled black powder shotgun.

My diet would consist of chicken and whiskey.

I would be single and go into town only to buy chicken and whiskey.

I would only eat out, if the establishment has chicken and/or whiskey.

If I were president...

Oh lord, I just realized how scary that would be, never mind.

If I were the King of England...

I would have four cars, 16,000 assorted horses, 15 helicopters, 10 jets, 5 regular airplanes and one star destroyer (for space travel only).

I'd build a castle on top of Scotland. Not just in Scotland, on Scotland, like covering the entire territory.

And finally,

I'd invade Russia, just to say I tried.

If I were a Napoleonic general...

I would be a general for France, my name would be,

General Jaques LeClerc I would command an army of forty and when I say forty, I mean eight hundred.

If I were a Jedi Knight...

I would be Titus Liberius and I would be seriously the most chill jedi on the council. This is one conversation during a council meeting with me there:

Master Jedi 1: It would seem, to go to war against the Sith, without knowing they truly exist, would be an act out of hindsight. What say you, Master Liberius?

Me: Sure, dude.

Master Jedi 2: He's referring to whether you think we should go to war with the sith...

Me: Word up.

Master Jedi 1: Are you suggesting we do go to war?

Me: Meh...

Okay so maybe I would just be a little apathetic as a Jedi.

Have a nice summer friends,

Literary Rap-Off #1- Gimli vs. Hagrid

(Gimli vs. Hagrid: Battle of the Beards).

[Hagrid, Verse 1].

I'm a giant hairy man, with a gut and a wand,
gonna bring down your mountain, like Saruman,

Maybe you don't get it, I may not be headmaster,
But I'll bet you when I rap, I'm 5000 times faster.

My broom flies on propane, hater, and has a thruster,
I'm the little big horn of Moria, killing all your Custers.

Let me assure you, dawg, if my raps were a fountain,
It would be endless, like Smaug and lonely mountain.

[Gimli Verse 1]

In case you didn't know, Smaug's grass you fool,
Sitting below Dale, in the lake town pool,

I'm all of four feet tall, with a liscence to kill,
You think Moria's quiet? I'll make Hogwarts stand still.

I've got three sharp axes that I carry around,
go hide in your forest, before I chop it all down.

You're the cave troll of Hogwarts, giant and ugly,
I'm gonna cut you down, like the Mirkwood army.


[Hagrid, Verse 2]

You wanna rip on my size, I'll sit on your head,
I'll take you to my spiders, and paint my walls red.

You can't out drink me, It's the ale I command,
It's shutting down Moria's Mithril via supply and demand.

I guess you could say, I stole this rap like a robber,
Get used to losing after the Elves got you clobbered.

[Gimli, Verse 2]

This ain't over, fatty, I'm about to take your lore,
Get ready to watch it fall, like Albus Dumbledore.

You got nothing on this dwarf, you got nothing but acts,
I'm the real bearded G, bring your face to my axe!

Now I'm all jacked up, and rarin' for a fight,
You ready Hagrid? You're dinin' in the mountain tonight.

A Serious Post

You know,

A good serious post isn't that bad every now and then.

I just watched some scenes from The Passion of the Christ.

I grew up in a christian home. And I guess by standards of society (which mean nothing in this case), am a "Christian"

But as much as I like going to church, hanging with my youth group and being the target of public "jokes" from my small group and youth minister, (okay, those last one isn't nice at all never mind),

After watching imitation scenes from the death of someone as gentle, and flawless as my savior, I realize,

I deserve none of it. And I mean it.

I struggle with a lot of things; bitterness, addictions, gluttony.

And it tears me apart to just see imitations of someone like Jesus Christ just... be ripped apart to die in my stead, for all the things I've done, when he did nothing to deserve something like that.

It's almost embarrassing to think that that was done for me... Because I am not worth any of that.

And while it's hard to imagine someone like Jesus being whipped, beaten, stabbed, pierced, ripped and torn open for a twisted person like me,

I just cry every time, knowing why it was done,

Christ endured that humiliating death so I could see my grandma again someday,

so that I can talk without stuttering and tripping over my words,

so that I can be free of my addictions that I think are impossible to part with,

so that I can be in a place without bitterness, anguish, hated or sadness.

And so I can walk to him, with a truly happy face and say to him,

"You rescued me from waters when I deserved to drown,

You picked my up from the road I was righteously beat on,

You healed wounds that were meant to bleed out and kill me,

Thank you."

I don't know, if you're reading this and you're not what you'd call a christian, or agnostic or atheist, or another religion or a cult.

I'm not going to say that you need Jesus or argue your justifications on being what you are,

What I do know is this,

When I think about Jesus, and his love for me, the twisted glutton I am, and how he wants nothing more than just to love me.

And when I think about the death he suffered to save me from everything I deserve,

I am brought to tears every time, when I genuinely think about it.

I feel happy, truly happy. You can quote me on that.


Thank you guys,
-Connor

July 4th Fireworks

I guess it's that time again.

It's time to celebrate our nation's independence by blowing crap up.

And all I have to say is,

Is there any better way to do so?


Okay, so that isn't all I have to say, otherwise this post would be dumb.

I always go to a family friend's lake house for fireworks.



And minus the montage of seemingly endless little pops at the "finale"

Fireworks need a bit of a revamp.


So.


I've come up with my own brand of fireworks:

Grindfire Explosives.


We would produce a extreme line of fireworks for the experienced pyromaniac.

Here are a few I thought up:


1.

Old Grindfire:

The premiere explosive, it literally explodes in the air and keeps doing so for 15-25 minutes.
Please consider when planning shows.

2.

The DoomRocker

This explosive explodes in the air while playing your favorite rock song. Plug it in via USB and upload a song, (holds a max of 50mb).
Please remember that if you download a pop song, you have ten minutes to run away before it explodes.
If you download a country song, you have two minutes to before it explodes.
And God forbid if you download a rap song,
You have no minutes before it explodes.
Choose wisely.

3.

The Death Star

Do you Star Wars fans remember what happened to the Death Star in every movie that never made sense?
It blew up.
In the vacuum of space.
We now have made that possible by reasons our advertisers don't even know, let alone our techs.
The Death Star has a circumference of 3 feet all the way around and can be catapulted from the Signature Grindfire Trebuchet (not included), and will literally explode in space.
Don't even bother with that telescope, just make sure you have the lawn chair.

4.

Custer's Last Hand Grenade

It's the size of your fist and your elderly neighbor's worst nightmare on steroids.
Prepare to be yelled at from every corner of your neighborhood on the 4th as you go buckwild while chucking Custer's last piece of boom into the air.
(WARNING: Failure to throw Grindfire Explosive's Custer's Last Hand Grenade in time may and will result in instant loss of throwing hand).

5.

Grandaddy Thundersmack

Rivaled only by Old Grindfire, this has both bark and bite.
It explodes for roughly 10 minutes. And is as loud as a 21 gun salute shot by tanks.
Grandaddy Thundersmack explodes in three shapes:

The sinking Titanic

The Mona Lisa raiding the Sistine chapel.

(and the last option)

The Duration of the Battle of Waterloo (additional explosion time applicable)






Happy Independence Day my friends.