Literary Rap Off #2- Princess Ariel vs. Admiral Ackbar

(Ariel Verse 1)

Under the sea, punk, it's time to fight,

ain't no rebellion can stop this tonight,

I'm the real ghetto princess from down below,

Better roll them credits, Imma steal the show

You got nothing on me, you're just a fish,

I'll take the calamari, Ackbar, now make a wish.

(Ackbar verse 1)

You ears can't repel raps of this magnitude,

I'll stomp you all over Endor, make a mermaid stew,

Don't try me, I got a rebel fleet in my hand,

The force is with me, when I begin to command,

You think your daddy's little trident is par?

Wait until you've brought down the freaking death star.

(Ariel verse 2)

I'll slap you with my tail and kill your family,

Murmaiding your fleet is easy as 1 2 3,

I got the creatures of the sea in my army,

Face it, punk, you can't even catch me

I'll warn you dawg, when you step into MY sea,

You' might just have flashbacks to Captain D's

(Ackbar verse 2)

Watch out Ariel cause you know ITS A TRAP!

When you mess with this, you know you look like crap,

I'll blow up your castle from high above,

Shoot down my turbo lasers and spread the love,

Cause even the empire knows when they're gonna die,

When they hear the words "Home one standing by..."

How to find your inner viking:

Finding your inner viking can be challenging, and at times, dangerous.

I have mapped out the steps to finding your inner viking, the hard way.

Because there is no easy way. Ever.

STEP I- Get off the couch.

As a matter of fact, flip the couch, IN SLOW MOTION, then burn it.

Indoors.

Getting rid of apathetic habits can be very challenging. Take it one step at a time.

STEP II- Grow a beard.

Not a goatee, not a soul patch. A beard.

Like, just tell your girlfriend, (if applicable) that she can either love you the way you are or DIE!!!

STEP III- Buy a large, bladed weapon.

This is only part of it, you must carry it everywhere. And be able to use it efficiently.

when someone approaches you and says "I'm going to take your money and go find your mother."

This is when he/she has violated the writ of OH MY GOSH, TIME TO DIE!

Follow up with the following steps:

i) draw your weapon, and let out a loud war cry- (this can be everything from a loud, guttural scream to a couple words, but no more than four, ex. "BOOM, ROASTED!" or "MRREAAGGHHH!" or perhaps "EAT STEEL, HATER!"

ii) swing your weapon at your oppressor's head.

If you hit the neck, no big deal, they'll still die.

iii) strike your opponent in the face.

should you have a fail moment and hit their shoulder, pray they're not wearing armor, cause they might have a gun.

STEP IV- Form a warband.

A cord of three strands is not easily broken, but when you get thirteen-

holy freaking crap...

13 is the ideal number, more is okay but less if a FAIL.

People to avoid when forming a warband:

-Drunkards: The common misconception is that vikings were complete drunkards, this is mostly false, vikings were only drunks when they could, like on days where no battle was present, or something threatening at hand. Complete drunkards are not battle worthy.

They are however, great bait for the enemy, think about it, a raging drunk man, thinking he's a viking, when he's not... win?

Women- they can be great fighters, but they cannot grow beards, therefore invalid.

STEP V- Slay something huge.

Obviously, work your way up.

Then, go out and find something large and kill it, I don't mean hippo large... find a dragon or a Wendigo or perhaps a Sasquatch, and kill it. But don't just kill it, put a twist on it-

here are some options:

Fight it:

-with no weapon

- with your pants around your ankles

- with a younger sibling on your back.

- blindfolded

- with only dropkicks

-With a Nickelback song

(that may not be as hard, actually)

There! you've found your inner viking!

YAAAYYY!-

I mean,

AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

thank you friends.

Ragnarok

A couple days ago, I heard the most depressing ending to a story ever...

The title: Ragnarok (the norse endtimes)

The setting: Life as we know it

Told by: The vikings of old.

How it ends:

Everyone dies. (almost)

Now, I know what you're thinking, how did it come to this:

Well, I will tell you what I have learned via world wide web:

Okay so here's how it starts, basically

Everyone starts to get angry, like families who always seemed to get along, all of a sudden want to just ghetto stomp each other on a curb.

This is also followed up by a giant wolf named "Skoll" ingesting the sun, which apparently for a giant wolf won't hurt as much, and should also technically freeze the world over, but I suppose the vikings weren't great at earth science, so this made sense to them somehow.

Next, his brother, "Hati" will eat the moon, which will now really throw orbit patterns for a loop, (get it, loop?) and should completely destroy the function of the galaxy without a sun or earth's moon. And you would think it would end there, but oh no, it gets worse.

Three roosters, which aren't all that scary, so they actually don't destroy anything they just do what roosters do best: crow.

One of them, "Fjalar," will crow to the giants, which will anger them, and they'll awaken.

Another rooster made of gold and named "Gullinkambi" will crow to the Gods, and because the rooster is made of gold, and therefore might have a better crow than the one that awoke the giants will be heard by the gods... Because God's like gold.

And a third rooster, unnamed will raise the dead. This is completely irrelevant in my opinion, because most everyone will die anyways, so why would we need more dead people, moreover, walking dead people.

At this point, a big freaking wolf named "Fenrir," will be unchained, because that's what you do with giant wolves, you chain them up. And Fenrir just starts tearing crap up, because if you were chained up for thousands of years on end, I suppose you'd be a little unsociable as well.

Then, a giant sea-serpent, named "Jormungand" will emerge from the sea, because he apparently wasn't there to begin with. And he will essentially just start making his way to land, but while he's thrashing around in the water and making such a ruckus, he somehow manages to raise a legendary ship from the depths of the sea. Because no one ever hears of a sea serpent SINKING a ship.

Apparently the ship will have a giant named "Hymir" as its commander, and the giants will sail towards the shores behind the serpent, but not too close.

The serpent also raises a ship from the realm of the dead, (because I suppose the third rooster forgot to crow to these guys).

And this one dude, named "Loki" will sail that ship, and stay behind the other ship, and then these fire giants will join from the south, which actually makes some sense because of the equator deal. And their leader,"Surt" will raise a sword and burn the earth, because the sun is already gone.... duh.

Finally, after their world has already essentially ravaged and destroyed a Norse god by the name of "Heimdall" will blow a horn, summon the gods and get fired. (at least that's what I would do).

It's at this point that the Gods will ultimately attempt to whoop the butts of all these guys who are out to kill them.

Odin, because he's such an overachiever, will attack the giant wolf, Fenrir and that battle will rage for a while, Thor will fight Jormungand, aka "The serpent" and they will both DIE. Thor beats the living crap out of the serpent, but it's poison kills Thor, eventually.

Then, another god, Freyr, is just killed by Surt, the fire giant... She doesn't even have the chance to fight back; she just gets owned.

And after everyone is dead,

Odin is killed by Fenrir.

then, apparently a character who was failed to be mentioned this entire time comes in to save the day, Odin's son, Vidar. Comes in out of nowhere, and literally breaks Fenrir's jaw in two.

This is where it gets semi-happy.

Vidar rules over the world, and humans come back because of two people, (who apparently remained alive and avoided being eaten, frozen to death via lack of sun, killed by a giant wolf, poisoned by a giant serpent, pwned by giants, or merely becoming victims and collateral damage.

And humans live among the Gods.

Really?

There is no sort of redeeming qualities about that story at all.

It sounds actually, like some sort of sci fi original...

Like,

I am legend of the Rise of the Planet of the Snakes...

On a plane.

Just remember to find humor in everything, friends.
Thank you,

Body Wash

Okay, so... This AXE Temptation body wash... it smells like chocolate.

Not even chocolate... just like cheap, terrible, god awful chocolate... like a tootsie roll.

And believe me, there is nothing dark, or tempting about a tootsie roll.

but I am digressing...


Body wash has really gotten out of hand these days,

Just today, I relinquished a bottle of AXE because on the back it said,

"The cleaner you are, the dirtier you get."

This would not have been as bad if it weren't for the picture of a man picking up a female on the back of the bottle...



We need better Body washes.

Now I know what you're thinking.

"Connor, that's the dumbest thing ever, Old Spice rocks."

My answer to you would be,

"you have obviously never seen a shake-weight."


So once again, I have created my own brand of something, this time being body washes.


It would be called

"TestostaBOOM!"

(That includes the "!")

Our motto would be,


"Dude, you're on fire.
No really, you're on fire."

Here are the first six in our signature line:


1. Wreckage.

Literally leave women in ruins with this scent that will sharpen your fierce womanizing abilities.


2. Romeo.

When English class gives you Hamlet, give Hamlet back and demand Romeo. It is even proven to enhance your poem-writing capabilities.
(WARNING: DO NOT INGEST YOU WILL DIE. JUST LIKE THE REAL ROMEO)


3. Celt

Your biceps will bulge like a medieval warrior, you will find blue war paint more attractive to wear in public, you will find it a necessity to carry a massive weapon on your back. And most of all, women will like you. Finally.

4. Northman

You will speak with a Swedish accent for no apparent reason, you will be able to successfully partake in polygamy, (assuming you don't have a wife YET). And you will grow a beard the size of a car.
Any Questions?

5. Skunk

It does NOT smell good.

6. Win

Here's a real life customer account from Jesse Barkins of Texas,

"I just, love... winnin'. Ain't nothin I couldn't win at. Except girls, I done never coulda gotten no girl. That is, without TestostaBOOM's signature "Win" body wash. Now, I don't even have to compete for girls, I just win!"

As you can see, Old Spice may have a REAL rival now...

Hope you guys have had an awesome summer!