Drive through as a parent

I cannot wait to be a father...

Obviously, I must, as it is most likely God's plan for me to wait until I'm at least 22 to at least be married.

But a little further down the road, I will be the most awesome father ever to grace the paternal side of this earth. Mainly for one reason:

I will be the funniest father to my kids, anyone has ever known.

My #1 way of doing this will be messing with the drive through people at any fast food place.
Here is an example of a conversation:

(for sake of the scenario I'm with my two sons, one 13- Gavin and one 16-Peter are in the car with me).

(I roll up to McDonalds)

Drive-thru: "Hello, welcome to McDonald-

Me: "Yes! Do you have Fresca? I... I have just been dying of thirst, and no one has Fresca anywhere, its like..... just, Fresca?."

D.T: "Ummm, no we don't sir..."

Me: "...... Pepsi?"

D.T: "Is Coke fine, sir?"

Me: ".... Well, that's not Pepsi, is it? Oh well, it will have to do, give us a second to decide what we want."

Me: "What does everyone want?"

Peter: "I'll take some sort of chicken, Dad."

Me: "Grilled or Legit?"

Peter: "Legit."

Gavin: "I'll take the Big Mac, Dad."

Me: "You better,"

Gavin: *laughs*

Me: "I think we're prepared..."

D.T: "..............."

Me: "Are you still there?"

D.T: "Yes, I'm ready for your order."

Me: "Oh... It sounded like you had left us alone without burgers. Yes, I'd like 2 number 1 combos, and a legit chicken combo,"

D.T: "Grilled or Fried?"

Me: "I said legit..."

D.T: "Sir, I don't know what that means..."

Me: "Well, Grilled would certainly NOT be legit. So I guess, fried."

D.T: "Okay, will that be it?"

Me: "No, I'd also like an apple pie and a frappe mocha."

D.T: "Is the order on the screen right?"

Me: "Man, you'd feel really bad right now if I told you I was blind."

D.T: "Sir, is the order correct?"

Me: "I suppose."

D.T: "Alright pull around to the first window,"

Me: "As opposed to skipping it and proceeding to the second?"

D.T: "....."

Me: "See ya soon."







More blog toIT'S A TRAP!!!

Rock n Roll Rap off- DANIEL 'THE GREAT' ACTON vs. CONNOR "CONWAY" LECLERC

(Daniel Verse I)

It's time to stomp some lame guitarists around
put your jaw on the curb, and bring my foot down!

Mic my bass drum and mix it real nice,
gonna blow your eyes out like your head's in a vice.

They call me 'the great' cause I'm just too fly,
You're going to Valhalla, its time to die!

I'll drop tune you down to the Key of Acton,
And freeze you in the cold, like a can of TINACTIN!


(Connor verse I)

Get ready boy, cause its time to ROCK!
I got more tone than the NBL got socks!

If you wanna talk speed, your feet must be sore...
Watch my fingers burn on my 22 fret-board!

It's do or die, and this tone is never dead,
It's takes more than three strikes to kill the Sultan of Shred.

Waste not, want not, its the scales I rule,
Like Napolean Toneapart, I've won this duel!

(Daniel verse II)

Wait up, Brah I ain't done with this,
I got a couple more rhymes that'll bust your head.

I fight for the likes of all drummer kind,
you fail for the failure of.... yeah!!!


(Connor verse II)

ITS TIME TO FINISH THIS, I GOT SKYRIM TO PLAY!
I'M GONNA FUS RO DAH YOU TILL YOUR HAIR IS GREY!

I'LL CALL DOWN FIRE FROM MY FINGERTIPS,
AS THEY BURN YOU ALL UP, LIKE FISH AND CHIPS!

I'M THE SIX STRING SOVEREIGN, GIVE IT UP NOW!
YOU'RE NOW A STATISTIC, JUST ANOTHER KNEE BOWED!

British Lit. Rap Off- Tolkien vs. Rowling

 

(Rowling verse I)

Expecto a failure! I'm J.K. Rowling, punk!

I've got more money than Stevie wonder's got funk!

My Novels can make a kid laugh at any age,

Your books are a joke with too many a page.

You wanna fight literature? It'll be your last bet,

I'll leave this battle looking like the end of Hamlet

You're just the runt of the litter, one step behind,

You'll wind up like ground sheep, your head in the grind!

(Tolkien verse I)

Shut your mouth wench, and silence your forked tongue,

I freaking own the legacy on which fiction has hung!

My name strikes fear in the heart of the hater,

I've got you in a choke-hold like a British Darth Vader.

You want to talk castles, Hogwarts is for rats!

Helm's deep is the place, you know where its at!

I'll build you up on everything you adore,

THEN SINK YOU IN THE SEA WITH NUMENOR!

(Rowling verse II)

You don't even make sense, with your oxford crap,

you make even the humblest private college look like a trap.

You're so freakin rich, you don't even care,

how many brains you've rotted with Isildur's heir.

It's high time you gave up, you're overdue,

for the wrath of Rowling is about to ensue...

(Tolkien final verse)

Shut your poisonous mouth and steel your lying tongue,

I've got literature so thick, it pours out wet when wrung,

If you ever need tutoring, give me a holler,

I'll be kickin it in Rivendell, poppin my collar.

Test my chops again and dearly you'll pay,

Because the good Tolkien giveth and he taketh away.

Elton John

When I was merely a young chap... My parents took me to see my first movie.
I am lucky to say that I grew up in an era where Disney original movies were legit.
This is why my parents took me to see "The Lion King,"

According to my father, I sat down and the film started... I sat there poised. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for that whole hour, just so my brain, (as undeveloped as it was), could take in the sheer epicness.
When the film came to an end, and Elton John began to sing, "Can you feel the love tonight,"
My father said I cried myself to sleep that night... I could not stop crying.
And my father claims that it was because I did not want the movie to end.


I beg to differ.

It was clearly Elton John's voice.

I mean, have you ever heard that song?

I sincerely think, that if he replaced the words "Feel the love tonight," with "Hear my voice tonight,"
it would still have the same effect, only 500 times more effective, which would've at least resulted in theater A for Lion King going over to the theater playing Forest Gump singing... Of course about this time in Forest Gump, Jenny has just contracted AIDS, this probably results in more crying viewers and people from the Lion King theater getting a huge spoiler.

I mean, seriously though... check this out:

"And can you HEAR MY VOICE tonight
How it's laid to rest?
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best "



Elton John, you're the man.


Have a great night, friends.
More blog t-BAM!

Prom Rap (Female Remix)

(Becca Rap)
BETTER STEEL YOURSELVES, CAUSE IT'S HIPSTER TIME
I BE DROPPIN RAPS LIKE A BOMBS, AND BUSTIN RHYMES

CALL ME GHETTO YODA, CAUSE IT'S DO OR DON'T TRY,
YOU KNOW MY RAPS ARE HOT, TIL THE DAY I DIE.

GOT FORTY PAIRS OF TOMS AND FORTY OF VANS,
I'M THE HIPSTER SHOE QUEEN, PUT YOU IN A TRANCE!

I FIND YOUR LACK OF SWAG, OH SO LAME,
LET ME ALTER IT ONCE MORE, LET ME ALTER THE GAME!

(Danielle)
I AM A LEGIT EQUESTRIAN, TO THE BONE
TAKIN OUT YOUR COMPETITION LIKE MARINE CORPS DRONES,


CALL ME HORSE WHISPERER, I COMMAND THEM ALL,
I CAN CURE ANY SICKLY STEED, WITH A TOUCH OF MY PALM

IT'S MY EAST HIGH PRIDE DRIVING ME ON,
RIDING INTO THE DUSK, UNTIL I MEET THE DAWN!


GOTTA SAVE A HORSE FROM A FOREST FIRE,
RIDE IN HEADFIRST, ON MY STEED, SAPPHIRE!

(Kacie Rap)

HATERS GONNA HATE, BUT I'M THE FREAKIN QUEEN OF KINDESS,
GOT MY RAPS AROUND YOUR NECK UNTIL YOU CALL ME YOUR HIGHNESS!

I'M THE QUEEN OF THE ICE, IT RUNS IN MY VEINS,
I GOT MORE COLD BLOOD THAN STEVEN HAWKING HAS BRAINS,

I LIKE ICE CREAM BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW,
THE WAY I FLY ON ICE STEADFAST AND TRUE!

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, WHEN I FLY ONTO THE ICE,
STORMIN YOUR COMPETITION, KILLIN YOU WITH NICE!

A Serious Post v2

I have had a substantial realization about Christ and it came in what most would think an unusual form;

I have recently been listening to more Christian Metalcore.

I just wanted to touch on my thoughts on a couple subjects that have to do with some lyrics from various songs.

1. The Finisher by Oh, Sleeper.



"Do you mean to challenge me?

Because your speech is threatening to the writer of your history,
through a future perverted by envy.
Your whisper may sway the weak, but when I speak it roars the sea..."

Okay, so a lot of the time, I think we are temporarily blinded to the other side of God.

I'm talking about the side that is like a paternal rage for the protection of his children.

The side that sometime says, "I am going to protect you and if it means annihilating forces beyond your mortal fight. I will do it with extreme vengeance and they will perish."







I tend to actually be blinded to the other side and focus on this side, which isn't good either, but I want to tell you that if you stand on the fence in between Satan and Christ,







Satan owns the fence.







And the bible clearly states that you are either with Christ, or against him. (If you doubt that, go look it up, I'm not going to baby you, you'd hate that),


Meaning if you have grey area in your major concepts about Christ, you might be on the wrong side of the battle.

And while Christ tells us to love on another and be disciples of Christ to the world;

Disciples of kindness, pupils of the greatest teacher ever, Children of the best patriarch ever to grace mankind with his love.







However,







When the end rolls around and you happen to be on the fence,

You will fall and whether our human minds think we can perceive what Hell is like or not and whether our feeble intelligence can claim it isn't there, it is. And if you find yourself on the fence with Satan, against Christ.

You cannot hope to win. Not even in your faintest thoughts can you reason the defeat of Christ, nor will it happen









2. A Banquet for Traitors by Oh, Sleeper.






"He said, "My son, you can hold perfection in your arms if you wish."

but I sit at a banquet for traitors
placed here between a thief and a liar.



"Just run and hold perfection in your arms as I slip..."
but Ill make you the god of a liar
cause Ive been both a saint and a viper.
Ill make you the god of a liar...






...His life spilled like a tide so divine.

It was a blood soaked feast that never ceased as his veins dripped empty.
With such violent grace, the waves hit my face


and in painful clarity I turned fearfully..."










I put a space between the two, to separate the two.






Again, this is how I perceive these lyrics, my thoughts.






The first voice is Christ, again being the strong, fearless God he is.


He sat at the last supper with Judas, a banquet with a traitor.






I will come back to the next line, but I'm going to move on.






Satan gets a lot of flack, well deserved, but there's one name I hear every now and then;










"Dumb."






He is everything but dumb. They don't call someone who is dumb an enemy of people, The God of the Universe won't waste his time destroying a fool in the end.






He can tempt you, convince you things that are completely absurd, he can make you do things that are extremely nasty, terrible, unethical, and filthy.






And because he's a slithering, filthy, crafty viper,






he can make you a God... of liars, cheaters, and ignorance.






The next section says that Christ faced an awful, horrendous death for our wrongs that we often beat ourselves up for every day of our lives.


While remembering Christ was a pure, perfect human. I often wonder what made him think I deserved that.






Then I just remember he had to beat death and die on the cross to extend that gift to me.
And denying it would be extremely ignorant of me.


And finally, like I said, Christ died between a thief and a liar.


Christ, the King of Kings, Lord of the earth, keeper of his people, died in between a thief and a liar.






Then he rose again, wrapping himself in a shroud of victory, shining in an aura of victory and the marks of his battle still visible for the world to see that he was real and was NOT DEAD.














So it comes down to this;






Whom do you fight for?






Do you sit on the fence, idle and consumed by your own feeble opinions that spawn grey area in your beliefs about Christ?


Do you live every day like it's a party, caring only for the world's perception of you- a world I might add that is not our home and would love nothing more for you to believe just what they want you to believe; that you are what they say you are.










Doesn't standing up against the world and fighting for someone who can make the seas roar with his voice, who can die and come back alive, who can take on the nations of evil and annihilate them with his breath?






That's who I'm fighting for.

PROM 2011 MEN RAP

(Connor LeClerc Rap)

THE NAME IS CONWAY,  GONNA BREAK IT DOWN,

PROM 2011 HATER, COLLEGE BOUND,

YOU READY TO DROWN, TREAD OR FLOAT,

YOU CAN CALL US NOAH, CAUSE WE ON A BOAT!

BREAKIN IT DOWN LIKE LEGOS, CHECK THESE MOVES,

HATERS GONNA HATE, AND BE-HOOVERS GONNA HOOVE, 

MY TUX IS LIKE, AWESOME, WITH MY PAISLEY TIE,

GONNA DANCE IT UP, DAWG, TIL THE DAY I DIE!

(Eric Chodan Rap)

GOT 40,000 HATS, BUT ONLY ONE TUX,

IT'S ALL I NEED, TO MAKE A HATER DELUXE,

EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE THE BIG "C,"

BUT THEY CAN'T, SO BEAT IT, CAN'T YOU SEE?

YOU CAN'T CATCH ME, I'M AT FULL THROTTLE,

DRINKING SPARKLING JUICE, RIGHT OUT DA BOTTLE!

I'M ONE HALF BOMB, ONE HALF BREAK THE NORM,

ONE HALF BUST OUT THE WHIP DURING "SANDSTORM!"

(Scott Schloss Rap)

WELCOME TO SCOT-TOWN, YOU KNOW HOW I DO,

HITTIN THE FLOOR HARD, LET THE CHAOS ENSUE,

I'VE GOT MAD SKILLS ON THE DANCIN SCALE,

NO MORE JOKES  HATERS GO AHEAD AND BAIL,

TIMES A WASTIN, I GOT FOOLS TO BREAK,

GET OUT OF HERE, FOR SAFETY'S SAKE.

CAUSE I'M THE WIZARD OF DANCE, MOVES OVER MASS,

WHEN I DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT AND SAY "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

U.S History: According to Connor.

It may have dawned on you... that I don't like to write sad blog posts.

But I also want to write something vaguely patriotic because of tomorrow being the anniversary of 9/11...

So I have composed some snippets of a history book I would write entitled;
"My country tis of RAPTORS!"

Here are a few american events according to the book...

THE THANKSGIVING STORY:



The Mayflower landed on Plymouth and the people went out exploring in this new world...

Led by John Smith and King Richard the Lionheart, the men of the clan ventured into the forest....

it was very soon that they made an unusual discovery:



RAPTORS!!!!!!

A pack of raptors came upon John and Richard and slaughtered them all, and then followed their tracks to the settlement of Plymouth...

but the people of Plymouth were brave and steadfast in heart and there, on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought...

They fought for hours upon hours, but the power of the Raptors are strong and they brought forth their alpha male...

it was in this moment... when all hope had faded, when the people of Plymouth took up their ballistic airstrikes...

The Raptors, the enemies of the free peoples of Plymouth, were defeated.



THE BOSTON DANCE PARTY:

During the 1700's the British Monarchy had been taxing the city of Boston quite heavily... So the people of Boston came together and formed a dance troop to combat the British monarchy via sick moves, bro.

Led by Fergie, the troop approached the Boston docks and began to break it down like Legos.

The British troops were not appeased and released the secret weapon:






RAPTORS!!!!!!!


the British troops sicked their raptors on the dancers and, unfortunately, all of them were eaten except Fergie- who managed to escape.



CUBAN RAPTOR CRISIS:

In 1962 the Soviet Union started breeding raptors in Cuba to ship over to the gulf coast of Florida and release there to wreak havoc on the U.S people. They were also going to air drop them into major cities by the 100's. The United States would be overrun by raptors in approximately 37 hours.

But U.S President, John Hammond, proposed a counter attack to his cabinet: they sent a large wooden badger full of Imperial storm troopers to the Cuban breeders as a gift...

At night, when the breeders and raptors were asleep, the storm troopers came out and miraculously acquired moderately good aim and killed all the raptors and the breeders and returned to the U.S via Star Destroyer.

The Cuban Raptor crisis was over...



More blog to AGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

[ROCKSTAR RAP OFF!!!] Rose, M.J and Ozzy (vs) Slash, Hendrix and Clapton

(Axl Rose rap)

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, PUNK, WHERE I'M ABOUT TO BURN,
SOME AMATEUR GUITARISTS, SO LISTEN UP AND LEARN!

I'VE GOT THE WORLD OF G'N'R, RIGHT UNDER MY THUMB,
AND IT'S TIME THEY ALL REALLY KNEW, WHOSE MUSIC IS DUMB,

YOU'RE JUST A FRIZZY HAIRED GUITARIST, SITTIN ALL ALONE,
 IN A TOP HAT, LOOKIN LIKE MR. BROWNSTONE.

YOU KNOW THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGIN, I'M DRIVIN YOU INSANE,
I'M LEAVING YOU BROKE, IN THE COLD NOVEMBER RAIN

(Slash rap)

GET READY FOR A THROW DOWN, YOU RED HAIRED PUNK!
LET ME SHOW YOU TO THE DOOR, YA HAZY EYED DRUNK,

HEY AXL, LET ME TAKE YOU DOWN TO PARADISE CITY,
WHERE THE GINGERS LIVE IN A POOL OF PITY!

AIN'T NO WAY YOU CAN HANDLE ALL OF THIS,
IT'S GOOD MUSIC 101, YOU ARE DISMISSED!

IT'S ABOUT TO GET FURIOUS, AXL, STEP BACK A FEW,
SAY HELLO TO KURT COBAIN, I BID YOU ADIEU.


[ROUND 2]

(Micheal Rap)

GET READY LITTLE BOY, BECAUSE I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW,
THE NAME IS M.J, THE KING OF POP'S READY TO GO!

I INVENTED THE MOONWALK, YOU PLAYED WITH YOUR LEFT HAND,
TO THE KING OF POP, YOU'RE A MERE GARAGE BAND,

YOU'VE GOT PEOPLE LINING UP TO JUST VISIT YOUR GRAVE,
GOT 40 MILLION FACEBOOK FANS, ON YOUR KNEES KNAVE,

CAUSE TONIGHT THE KING OF POP HAS NOT YET SMILED,
ON THE UN-ROYAL LIKES OF THE VOODOO CHILD,

(Jimi Hendrix rap)

I'LL CHOP YOU DOWN LIKE A MOUNTAIN, WITH THE EDGE OF MY HAND
WHEN YOU STEP IN THE RED HOUSE, IT'S GUITAR I COMMAND!

THERE AIN'T NO SUCH THING AS DEAD ROCK N ROLL,
NOW THAT YOU'RE DEAD, POP TOOK THE TOLL,

HATER, ITS HIGH TIME THAT YOU KNEW YOUR PLACE,
BETTER BEEF UP YOUR MOVES, JUST IN CASE.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY, KING OF POP ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?
I'LL BURN YOU LIKE A GUITAR, SEND YOU TO THE ABYSS!

[ROUND 3]

(Ozzy Rap)

ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN WHERE I DON'T WANNA STOP,
BURNIN GUITARISTS UP, LIKE OLD BOXTOPS,

I'LL BARK AT THE MOON AND BITE OFF YOUR HEAD,
GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER SHRED,

OH PLEASE, DON'T EVEN TRY TO START A WAR,
EVEN YOUR OWN FANS SEE YOU AS A BORE,

I'LL JUST SAY NOW, I BIT YOUR HEAD LIKE A SHARK,
YOUR RAPS ARE NOTHING BUT A SHOT IN THE DARK.

(Eric Clapton rap)

LAYLA! WATCH ME BEAT THIS DRUGGED PUNK UP!
CAN I PLAY A CLEAN SHOW... UHHHHH, YUP!

I'VE GOT HANDS OF GOLD WHEN I TOUCH THE FRETBOARD
MAKING MONEY WITH THE STRUM OF EVERY CHORD!

I GOT SCALES LIKE A MADMAN AND A LICENCE TO KILL,
IT TAKES MORE THAN THEORY TO MATCH MY SKILL,

WELL PRINCE OF DARKNESS, YOUR FANBASE NOW CORRODES,
WHILE I SIT ON 100 MIL. DOWN AT THE CROSSROADS!

Literary Rap Off #2- Princess Ariel vs. Admiral Ackbar

(Ariel Verse 1)

Under the sea, punk, it's time to fight,

ain't no rebellion can stop this tonight,

I'm the real ghetto princess from down below,

Better roll them credits, Imma steal the show

You got nothing on me, you're just a fish,

I'll take the calamari, Ackbar, now make a wish.

(Ackbar verse 1)

You ears can't repel raps of this magnitude,

I'll stomp you all over Endor, make a mermaid stew,

Don't try me, I got a rebel fleet in my hand,

The force is with me, when I begin to command,

You think your daddy's little trident is par?

Wait until you've brought down the freaking death star.

(Ariel verse 2)

I'll slap you with my tail and kill your family,

Murmaiding your fleet is easy as 1 2 3,

I got the creatures of the sea in my army,

Face it, punk, you can't even catch me

I'll warn you dawg, when you step into MY sea,

You' might just have flashbacks to Captain D's

(Ackbar verse 2)

Watch out Ariel cause you know ITS A TRAP!

When you mess with this, you know you look like crap,

I'll blow up your castle from high above,

Shoot down my turbo lasers and spread the love,

Cause even the empire knows when they're gonna die,

When they hear the words "Home one standing by..."

How to find your inner viking:

Finding your inner viking can be challenging, and at times, dangerous.

I have mapped out the steps to finding your inner viking, the hard way.

Because there is no easy way. Ever.

STEP I- Get off the couch.

As a matter of fact, flip the couch, IN SLOW MOTION, then burn it.

Indoors.

Getting rid of apathetic habits can be very challenging. Take it one step at a time.

STEP II- Grow a beard.

Not a goatee, not a soul patch. A beard.

Like, just tell your girlfriend, (if applicable) that she can either love you the way you are or DIE!!!

STEP III- Buy a large, bladed weapon.

This is only part of it, you must carry it everywhere. And be able to use it efficiently.

when someone approaches you and says "I'm going to take your money and go find your mother."

This is when he/she has violated the writ of OH MY GOSH, TIME TO DIE!

Follow up with the following steps:

i) draw your weapon, and let out a loud war cry- (this can be everything from a loud, guttural scream to a couple words, but no more than four, ex. "BOOM, ROASTED!" or "MRREAAGGHHH!" or perhaps "EAT STEEL, HATER!"

ii) swing your weapon at your oppressor's head.

If you hit the neck, no big deal, they'll still die.

iii) strike your opponent in the face.

should you have a fail moment and hit their shoulder, pray they're not wearing armor, cause they might have a gun.

STEP IV- Form a warband.

A cord of three strands is not easily broken, but when you get thirteen-

holy freaking crap...

13 is the ideal number, more is okay but less if a FAIL.

People to avoid when forming a warband:

-Drunkards: The common misconception is that vikings were complete drunkards, this is mostly false, vikings were only drunks when they could, like on days where no battle was present, or something threatening at hand. Complete drunkards are not battle worthy.

They are however, great bait for the enemy, think about it, a raging drunk man, thinking he's a viking, when he's not... win?

Women- they can be great fighters, but they cannot grow beards, therefore invalid.

STEP V- Slay something huge.

Obviously, work your way up.

Then, go out and find something large and kill it, I don't mean hippo large... find a dragon or a Wendigo or perhaps a Sasquatch, and kill it. But don't just kill it, put a twist on it-

here are some options:

Fight it:

-with no weapon

- with your pants around your ankles

- with a younger sibling on your back.

- blindfolded

- with only dropkicks

-With a Nickelback song

(that may not be as hard, actually)

There! you've found your inner viking!

YAAAYYY!-

I mean,

AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

thank you friends.

Ragnarok

A couple days ago, I heard the most depressing ending to a story ever...

The title: Ragnarok (the norse endtimes)

The setting: Life as we know it

Told by: The vikings of old.

How it ends:

Everyone dies. (almost)

Now, I know what you're thinking, how did it come to this:

Well, I will tell you what I have learned via world wide web:

Okay so here's how it starts, basically

Everyone starts to get angry, like families who always seemed to get along, all of a sudden want to just ghetto stomp each other on a curb.

This is also followed up by a giant wolf named "Skoll" ingesting the sun, which apparently for a giant wolf won't hurt as much, and should also technically freeze the world over, but I suppose the vikings weren't great at earth science, so this made sense to them somehow.

Next, his brother, "Hati" will eat the moon, which will now really throw orbit patterns for a loop, (get it, loop?) and should completely destroy the function of the galaxy without a sun or earth's moon. And you would think it would end there, but oh no, it gets worse.

Three roosters, which aren't all that scary, so they actually don't destroy anything they just do what roosters do best: crow.

One of them, "Fjalar," will crow to the giants, which will anger them, and they'll awaken.

Another rooster made of gold and named "Gullinkambi" will crow to the Gods, and because the rooster is made of gold, and therefore might have a better crow than the one that awoke the giants will be heard by the gods... Because God's like gold.

And a third rooster, unnamed will raise the dead. This is completely irrelevant in my opinion, because most everyone will die anyways, so why would we need more dead people, moreover, walking dead people.

At this point, a big freaking wolf named "Fenrir," will be unchained, because that's what you do with giant wolves, you chain them up. And Fenrir just starts tearing crap up, because if you were chained up for thousands of years on end, I suppose you'd be a little unsociable as well.

Then, a giant sea-serpent, named "Jormungand" will emerge from the sea, because he apparently wasn't there to begin with. And he will essentially just start making his way to land, but while he's thrashing around in the water and making such a ruckus, he somehow manages to raise a legendary ship from the depths of the sea. Because no one ever hears of a sea serpent SINKING a ship.

Apparently the ship will have a giant named "Hymir" as its commander, and the giants will sail towards the shores behind the serpent, but not too close.

The serpent also raises a ship from the realm of the dead, (because I suppose the third rooster forgot to crow to these guys).

And this one dude, named "Loki" will sail that ship, and stay behind the other ship, and then these fire giants will join from the south, which actually makes some sense because of the equator deal. And their leader,"Surt" will raise a sword and burn the earth, because the sun is already gone.... duh.

Finally, after their world has already essentially ravaged and destroyed a Norse god by the name of "Heimdall" will blow a horn, summon the gods and get fired. (at least that's what I would do).

It's at this point that the Gods will ultimately attempt to whoop the butts of all these guys who are out to kill them.

Odin, because he's such an overachiever, will attack the giant wolf, Fenrir and that battle will rage for a while, Thor will fight Jormungand, aka "The serpent" and they will both DIE. Thor beats the living crap out of the serpent, but it's poison kills Thor, eventually.

Then, another god, Freyr, is just killed by Surt, the fire giant... She doesn't even have the chance to fight back; she just gets owned.

And after everyone is dead,

Odin is killed by Fenrir.

then, apparently a character who was failed to be mentioned this entire time comes in to save the day, Odin's son, Vidar. Comes in out of nowhere, and literally breaks Fenrir's jaw in two.

This is where it gets semi-happy.

Vidar rules over the world, and humans come back because of two people, (who apparently remained alive and avoided being eaten, frozen to death via lack of sun, killed by a giant wolf, poisoned by a giant serpent, pwned by giants, or merely becoming victims and collateral damage.

And humans live among the Gods.

Really?

There is no sort of redeeming qualities about that story at all.

It sounds actually, like some sort of sci fi original...

Like,

I am legend of the Rise of the Planet of the Snakes...

On a plane.

Just remember to find humor in everything, friends.
Thank you,

Body Wash

Okay, so... This AXE Temptation body wash... it smells like chocolate.

Not even chocolate... just like cheap, terrible, god awful chocolate... like a tootsie roll.

And believe me, there is nothing dark, or tempting about a tootsie roll.

but I am digressing...


Body wash has really gotten out of hand these days,

Just today, I relinquished a bottle of AXE because on the back it said,

"The cleaner you are, the dirtier you get."

This would not have been as bad if it weren't for the picture of a man picking up a female on the back of the bottle...



We need better Body washes.

Now I know what you're thinking.

"Connor, that's the dumbest thing ever, Old Spice rocks."

My answer to you would be,

"you have obviously never seen a shake-weight."


So once again, I have created my own brand of something, this time being body washes.


It would be called

"TestostaBOOM!"

(That includes the "!")

Our motto would be,


"Dude, you're on fire.
No really, you're on fire."

Here are the first six in our signature line:


1. Wreckage.

Literally leave women in ruins with this scent that will sharpen your fierce womanizing abilities.


2. Romeo.

When English class gives you Hamlet, give Hamlet back and demand Romeo. It is even proven to enhance your poem-writing capabilities.
(WARNING: DO NOT INGEST YOU WILL DIE. JUST LIKE THE REAL ROMEO)


3. Celt

Your biceps will bulge like a medieval warrior, you will find blue war paint more attractive to wear in public, you will find it a necessity to carry a massive weapon on your back. And most of all, women will like you. Finally.

4. Northman

You will speak with a Swedish accent for no apparent reason, you will be able to successfully partake in polygamy, (assuming you don't have a wife YET). And you will grow a beard the size of a car.
Any Questions?

5. Skunk

It does NOT smell good.

6. Win

Here's a real life customer account from Jesse Barkins of Texas,

"I just, love... winnin'. Ain't nothin I couldn't win at. Except girls, I done never coulda gotten no girl. That is, without TestostaBOOM's signature "Win" body wash. Now, I don't even have to compete for girls, I just win!"

As you can see, Old Spice may have a REAL rival now...

Hope you guys have had an awesome summer!

Fake Names

It occurred to me, that to be a famous person, sometimes you have to ditch your real name for a really dumb one.

Since I want to keep a somewhat popular and tasteful blog, I will not name any names.

I will say however, that 50 cent is a VERY STUPID fake name.

I started to think about it, and I decided that I could make better fake names for myself than any famous person, on any given day of the week.

So, here are a few I came up with:

If I was a rapper...

I would bust rhymes as Rap Mastah B-Wulf,

I would create the sub genre of Nordic Rap,

My first album would be entitled "The Viking Life."

it would include songs like "Raiders gonna Raid," "Stick it to the Chieftain," and the title track would peak at (maybe) #89 on billboard's top 100.

If I was in the matrix...

I would be Xerxes, and I would be merciful, yet a fierce warrior... kind of like, a honey badger...

Nope, they're always ticked.

If I were a viking...

I would be "Conferth the Dark-Hewer." My list of accomplishments would include:

-Slaying 40 dragons on a sinking battleship.

-Assassinating the inventor of the Hot Pocket.

-Beating Nazi zombies on Call of Duty.

and

-Beating Barack Obama at Civilization V online... which wasn't really that impressive.

If I were a middle aged southern man...

My name would be Ol' Conny Barkins.

I would sit out on my porch clutching a double barreled black powder shotgun.

My diet would consist of chicken and whiskey.

I would be single and go into town only to buy chicken and whiskey.

I would only eat out, if the establishment has chicken and/or whiskey.

If I were president...

Oh lord, I just realized how scary that would be, never mind.

If I were the King of England...

I would have four cars, 16,000 assorted horses, 15 helicopters, 10 jets, 5 regular airplanes and one star destroyer (for space travel only).

I'd build a castle on top of Scotland. Not just in Scotland, on Scotland, like covering the entire territory.

And finally,

I'd invade Russia, just to say I tried.

If I were a Napoleonic general...

I would be a general for France, my name would be,

General Jaques LeClerc I would command an army of forty and when I say forty, I mean eight hundred.

If I were a Jedi Knight...

I would be Titus Liberius and I would be seriously the most chill jedi on the council. This is one conversation during a council meeting with me there:

Master Jedi 1: It would seem, to go to war against the Sith, without knowing they truly exist, would be an act out of hindsight. What say you, Master Liberius?

Me: Sure, dude.

Master Jedi 2: He's referring to whether you think we should go to war with the sith...

Me: Word up.

Master Jedi 1: Are you suggesting we do go to war?

Me: Meh...

Okay so maybe I would just be a little apathetic as a Jedi.

Have a nice summer friends,

Literary Rap-Off #1- Gimli vs. Hagrid

(Gimli vs. Hagrid: Battle of the Beards).

[Hagrid, Verse 1].

I'm a giant hairy man, with a gut and a wand,
gonna bring down your mountain, like Saruman,

Maybe you don't get it, I may not be headmaster,
But I'll bet you when I rap, I'm 5000 times faster.

My broom flies on propane, hater, and has a thruster,
I'm the little big horn of Moria, killing all your Custers.

Let me assure you, dawg, if my raps were a fountain,
It would be endless, like Smaug and lonely mountain.

[Gimli Verse 1]

In case you didn't know, Smaug's grass you fool,
Sitting below Dale, in the lake town pool,

I'm all of four feet tall, with a liscence to kill,
You think Moria's quiet? I'll make Hogwarts stand still.

I've got three sharp axes that I carry around,
go hide in your forest, before I chop it all down.

You're the cave troll of Hogwarts, giant and ugly,
I'm gonna cut you down, like the Mirkwood army.


[Hagrid, Verse 2]

You wanna rip on my size, I'll sit on your head,
I'll take you to my spiders, and paint my walls red.

You can't out drink me, It's the ale I command,
It's shutting down Moria's Mithril via supply and demand.

I guess you could say, I stole this rap like a robber,
Get used to losing after the Elves got you clobbered.

[Gimli, Verse 2]

This ain't over, fatty, I'm about to take your lore,
Get ready to watch it fall, like Albus Dumbledore.

You got nothing on this dwarf, you got nothing but acts,
I'm the real bearded G, bring your face to my axe!

Now I'm all jacked up, and rarin' for a fight,
You ready Hagrid? You're dinin' in the mountain tonight.

A Serious Post

You know,

A good serious post isn't that bad every now and then.

I just watched some scenes from The Passion of the Christ.

I grew up in a christian home. And I guess by standards of society (which mean nothing in this case), am a "Christian"

But as much as I like going to church, hanging with my youth group and being the target of public "jokes" from my small group and youth minister, (okay, those last one isn't nice at all never mind),

After watching imitation scenes from the death of someone as gentle, and flawless as my savior, I realize,

I deserve none of it. And I mean it.

I struggle with a lot of things; bitterness, addictions, gluttony.

And it tears me apart to just see imitations of someone like Jesus Christ just... be ripped apart to die in my stead, for all the things I've done, when he did nothing to deserve something like that.

It's almost embarrassing to think that that was done for me... Because I am not worth any of that.

And while it's hard to imagine someone like Jesus being whipped, beaten, stabbed, pierced, ripped and torn open for a twisted person like me,

I just cry every time, knowing why it was done,

Christ endured that humiliating death so I could see my grandma again someday,

so that I can talk without stuttering and tripping over my words,

so that I can be free of my addictions that I think are impossible to part with,

so that I can be in a place without bitterness, anguish, hated or sadness.

And so I can walk to him, with a truly happy face and say to him,

"You rescued me from waters when I deserved to drown,

You picked my up from the road I was righteously beat on,

You healed wounds that were meant to bleed out and kill me,

Thank you."

I don't know, if you're reading this and you're not what you'd call a christian, or agnostic or atheist, or another religion or a cult.

I'm not going to say that you need Jesus or argue your justifications on being what you are,

What I do know is this,

When I think about Jesus, and his love for me, the twisted glutton I am, and how he wants nothing more than just to love me.

And when I think about the death he suffered to save me from everything I deserve,

I am brought to tears every time, when I genuinely think about it.

I feel happy, truly happy. You can quote me on that.


Thank you guys,
-Connor

July 4th Fireworks

I guess it's that time again.

It's time to celebrate our nation's independence by blowing crap up.

And all I have to say is,

Is there any better way to do so?


Okay, so that isn't all I have to say, otherwise this post would be dumb.

I always go to a family friend's lake house for fireworks.



And minus the montage of seemingly endless little pops at the "finale"

Fireworks need a bit of a revamp.


So.


I've come up with my own brand of fireworks:

Grindfire Explosives.


We would produce a extreme line of fireworks for the experienced pyromaniac.

Here are a few I thought up:


1.

Old Grindfire:

The premiere explosive, it literally explodes in the air and keeps doing so for 15-25 minutes.
Please consider when planning shows.

2.

The DoomRocker

This explosive explodes in the air while playing your favorite rock song. Plug it in via USB and upload a song, (holds a max of 50mb).
Please remember that if you download a pop song, you have ten minutes to run away before it explodes.
If you download a country song, you have two minutes to before it explodes.
And God forbid if you download a rap song,
You have no minutes before it explodes.
Choose wisely.

3.

The Death Star

Do you Star Wars fans remember what happened to the Death Star in every movie that never made sense?
It blew up.
In the vacuum of space.
We now have made that possible by reasons our advertisers don't even know, let alone our techs.
The Death Star has a circumference of 3 feet all the way around and can be catapulted from the Signature Grindfire Trebuchet (not included), and will literally explode in space.
Don't even bother with that telescope, just make sure you have the lawn chair.

4.

Custer's Last Hand Grenade

It's the size of your fist and your elderly neighbor's worst nightmare on steroids.
Prepare to be yelled at from every corner of your neighborhood on the 4th as you go buckwild while chucking Custer's last piece of boom into the air.
(WARNING: Failure to throw Grindfire Explosive's Custer's Last Hand Grenade in time may and will result in instant loss of throwing hand).

5.

Grandaddy Thundersmack

Rivaled only by Old Grindfire, this has both bark and bite.
It explodes for roughly 10 minutes. And is as loud as a 21 gun salute shot by tanks.
Grandaddy Thundersmack explodes in three shapes:

The sinking Titanic

The Mona Lisa raiding the Sistine chapel.

(and the last option)

The Duration of the Battle of Waterloo (additional explosion time applicable)






Happy Independence Day my friends.

Southern Pride

I made a discovery, that people are still hyped up in the south, years after losing at their own game: secession.

Now, let me verify my statement.

I was in South Carolina, and I saw, possibly the most ironic billboard ever.

It was also possibly the largest billboard I've ever seen, but alas,

Strewn across the billboard was the largest graphic of a rebel flag I'd ever seen.

Across the side of the board, there was text, in big white letters, clear as day, that read:
"Never Forget..."









Forget what? You lost.

Get over it.

Shh, you hear that?

No?

It kinda sounds like,

like,

FREEDOM!

When people think of America, they think of bald eagles, apple pie, George Washington, muscle cars and large firearms.

They most certainly do not think of Cotton fields, whips, and shackles.

Not to say that that's what the south stands for,

Heck no, i love some wicked BBQ, and that Tennessee air.

I'm saying these haters who keep saying, "It's not over, you're just winning..."

Well, seeing as how you joined the union over 100 years ago, I'd say we've been winning for a while.

(Happy Flag Day)

=)




BLLLLLLOGGGGGG!!!
More jank inbound.

Funerals

I understand, that when you read the title of this blog, you probably thought:
"Oh. my. word. Oh no he didn't. that is like, soooooooo depressing."

My initial statement to you would be if you think the word "so" like that, you probably need to see a neurological therapist to fix your brain.

My second, would be that you read this entire post and hear me out, because this will be funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.












I was watching Lord of the Rings, Return of the King. And I saw the scene where Gandalf and Pippin are all depressed behind a gate, getting ready to die, and Pippin says
"I didn't think it would end like this." Because Pippin is probably thinking Gandalf is going to say something like "No problem, I'll just rain down a storm of light and fire and save us."
BUT NO!
Instead, he replies:

"End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take..."
(prepare for epic sentence composition and awesome made up hyphenated words)
"... the gray rain-curtain of this world pulls back and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it..."

And at this point, Pippin is thinking "holy crap Gandalf, you really smoked something serious before we started fighting, because that sounds awesome."
so he asks Gandalf, he says
"See what, Gandalf? See What?"

And Gandalf, totally blows Pippin's mind:
He says
"...white shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise."

And then, Pippin remembers they're about to die and he just totally starts to shed tears because he knows that there IS life after death, not to mention that Gandalf worded it like it was as great as God taking you out to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings in heaven and he's paying.

"That isn't so bad."

Pippin replies.

To rest your mind if you haven't seen the movie, I'll tell you WITHOUT SPOILING IT that they don't die. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Holy Crap, what will my funeral be like?

I will tell you, I don't think about it often, and it's kind of hard to think about. But I hope my comedic opinion will help.
I will make a list of things how I imagine things will happen.


- The cause of death will read in my local newspaper (which they'll have to bring back just for my death because the printed media will probably have caved in by then).
"Died saving his family from a fire-breathing dragon."

- They will get a famous black preacher to proclaim my life story.
- the venue of the funeral will be Westminster Abbey, making the black preacher aspect even better.
- The vehicle that they will roll my sold jade casket out on will be a viking longboat on a hitch being pulled by 40 Clydesdale horses. Actually, make it 50.
- During the Procession, directly behind my viking longboat, there will be a hitch pulling a stage, with the James Horner Orchestra, actually being conducted by James Horner. Playing the entire soundtrack of Braveheart.
- I will be laid to rest in the jade casket, in the longboat, in a cave in the middle of Northern England.


I realize this is all very unrealistic.
But again, I am Connor.
Besides, it would be boring and depressing if it wasn't.

AAGGGHHHH!!!
More blog on the way

Death-Metal Band Names

It occurred to me that death metal bands are possibly the scariest thing ever to plague the earth since Secret of Nimh 2.

I have discovered though, one humorous aspect of them- their names. I think that these are some great examples of what I'm talking about:

Cradle of Filth- You have to wonder how their advertiser feels about their band name, imagine him trying to put sell ads,

-"Hey, check out this band!"

-"what's their name?"

-" Cradle of Filth"

-"Oh lord. They must be terrible."

See what I mean?


-Children of Bodom
I did some research, a "bodom" is a glass bead......... Wait, what?
Children... of.... wha, I don't.... just, no....


-Death
Oooooohhhhhh, you guys got real creative.


-Cannibal Corpse
Taboo issues,
Comin your way!!!

-In Flames
...Just like your career.

-Austrian Death Machine
Why not just call yourselves "Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

-Gojira
Dude, not cool. You can't go screaming that with all these Japanese kids around.

-Pig Destroyer
Also answers to "Famous Dave"

-Runemagick
"Oh crap guys, we misspelled magic!"

-Ebony Tears
Ouch.

-Arch Enemy
All the other bands really hate them.

-Trap Them
Their manager is Admiral Ackbar.

-Strapping Young Lad
You might as well have named yourselves "Postal" because you need to LEAVE!





As you can see, we clearly need more authentic names for these bands.

More posts on the way.
Be Prepared.

Elevator Pranks

It has occurred to me, that there are a shortage of good pranks.
Here are a couple to perform in elevators:

1. Dress up as Admiral Akbar from Star Wars, stand in the elevator opposite from the button panel, when the doors close, scream as loudly as you can: "ITS A TRAP!"

2. Go alone, in an elevator dressed as a mime. When the bellboy asks you, "what floor?" just look look at yourself, then at him and say, "Dude, I'm a mime."

3. Go in an elevator and when the bellboy asks you "what floor?" just scream, "TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL."

4. Dress like the devil, and go to a elevator you know has NO LOWER LEVELS. Before the bellboy can ask you "what floor?" Just say "Down, we need to talk."

5. Dress up like a eagle with a sling on your fake wing. Walk into a crowded elevator and when the doors close and you've progressed a while, just yell "I freaking fell! Okay?!!"

6. Walk into an elevator with a friend, and act like you don't know each other. When the doors close, and at least three people (of whom you DON'T know) get on, look at each other, have one of you say "We meet again.." Pull out toy light sabers and attempt to lock sabers while in an elevator.

7. Walk into an elevator and when people get on or off, make race car noises as they get on or off.

8. Walk into an elevator and when you lift off, whisper to the person next to you (heavy panting is optional)- "Hey- we're going up."

9. Walk into an elevator with a group of people dressed like the members of Aerosmith, and when you get in, air-band "Love in an elevator."

10. Walk into an elevator dressed like Han Solo from Star Wars, a friend dressed like Chewbacca, and have him stand next to the buttons, when everyone is on, tell him this "PUNCH IT CHEWIE!" And have him press ALL OF THE BUTTONS.

7.

The Tolkien Rap

(My Tribute to the master of Fantasy Fiction)

I'm a World War Veteran and an Oxford scholar,

Kickin it in rivdendell poppin my collar.

I wrote nine languages just for my books,

Hobbits, punk, Gamgees, Harfoots and Tooks,

My name strikes fear in the heart of the hater,

I've got Rowling in a chokehold, like a british darth vader.

What you got on me? I'm the king of this game!

I'll send you back to Hogwarts to a grave with no name.

So go ahead and bring on your best,

I'm a master professor, scoring 400 on tests.

I wrote the hobbit in the trenches of the great war,

Layin siege to germany like Rhun on Gondor.

A summary of Tolkien in 5 five words or less

"Playa-hatin duke of fantasy," I roll with the best.

Chillin with The Inklings, dishing out the words

We make the roman senate look like a bunch of nerds.

I'm like a freaking wizard, dawg, you'll be nothin but grass

When I throw my staff down and say ,"YOU SHALL NOT PASS."

I don't have much more that I've got to say,

maybe other than this: "Papa John is here to stay."

Cause I'm about to bring the elvish tengwar to sindarin,

But you can't outwrite me cause I'm JRR Tolkien!

Chili Recipes

I now realize what can go in a chili recipe:
Anything.
Literally, is there anything you could not put in a pot of chili?
No, there isn't, quit hatin.
I have consulted a few websites, and I have come up with my own chili recipe.

1. Tomato sauce.
(you can't have chili without this...)

2. Tomato Paste
(...Or this).

3. Ground Beef, and other assorted tasty meats.
(You need meat in your chili recipe, or else, you're just a hippie).

4. Onions
(It's alright, you can cry, you just won't be man enough for my chili, more for me, that's all)

5. Jalapeno peppers. Fresh.
(Okay, now you may cry, but please do so without a frown, instead, make a war cry and finish that bowl. Wimp).

6. Habanero peppers
(Okay, I'm crying too, but we'll make it man, okay? STAY WITH ME, BRO!)

7. a half cup of BBQ sauce
(you can breathe now, I think the spice trolls are gone... OR ARE THEY?!?)

8. sixteen ghost peppers... whole
(...nope, they're back.)

9. Kidney beans
(You need them and you know it).

10. chili beans
(They're chili beans. Why wouldn't you have them?)

11. KFC popcorn chicken. lots of it.
(Beat the colonel at his own game. He's dead, what's he gonna do, tell everyone your secret. Nope).

12. A side of ribs (on the side).
(Nothin says "I was hungry, shut up," like a full rack of ribs as your side dish).

13. 2/3 a can of coca cola
(Give a little love, it all comes back to you, that way you don't have to share it again).

14. A pinch of brown sugar
(A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. And a cup of brown sugar beefs up a buck wild pot of chili).

(and finally, the secret recipe).

15. one can of pasteurized unicorn blood
(like I said, so secret- YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND IT!)

More connorisms on the horizon.
Hark!

Prom Rides

It has occurred to me that prom is no time for normal.
It is a time to go absolutely buck-wild with everything.
For example, a friend of mine will be touching down in a helicopter a couple blocks away from the prom itself, my date and I plus another ten ourselves will be riding on a speedboat hooked up to a truck, will be riding up to the red carpet of prom.

And I can't help but think,

Is this all we've got?













First off, I think there are several ways to improve our ride alone:

1. a Union Jack flag on the back of the boat.
Honestly, no boat is complete without a banner, the union jack happens to be the coolest looking.

2. A giant crossbow (Ballista)
Without an intimidation factor, we could easily be taken captive.

3. A new outfit for me.
If it were up to me, while a tuxedo is great and amazing. I need a black coat with obscene amounts of medals, tasseled shoulder pads, and a Napolean hat.
This way I can actually scream when we reach the prom-
"Once more to the breach! Tallyho!"

(and finally)

4. A speaker system blaring Richard Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries."
Nothing says "In your face, knave!" Like blaring Wagner, wearing Victorian military array, flying a union jack while one of your prom men mans the ballista behind you.

Needless to say, I've only skimmed the surface of what is possible to max out the prom experience.

More random jank to come,
Beware.

Air Fresheners

my mother picks out absoloutely the most generic air fresheners. For example here is a couple I found in my house the other day:

- White Tea.

You know they have a name for that, right? It got a name; freaking milk.
and when you throw it in can and spray it, it doesn't smell good. At all.

- Hawaiian Breeze

This is mockery in the third Degree. I know I'm not in Hawaii, don't patronize me with it's aroma.

- Fresh Linen

Listen, if I want to smell linen, in it's freshness, I will open my dryer and sniff the dry clothes.
While I may look like a freak sniffing laundry, I could do this.

So, it goes without saying we need better air fresheners.

I propose I start a brand: "Connor's Battle-Scents"

- Burning Thatch Roof

"Now you're house can smell like a burning cottage too! No fire added."

- Man Flesh

"What is it? What do you smell?... Man Flesh."

- Grimy Gunman
"Nothing says Battle like a soldier who hasn't bathed in a month."

I will be posting more random crap soon.
Be afraid be very afraid.