How to find your inner viking:

Finding your inner viking can be challenging, and at times, dangerous.

I have mapped out the steps to finding your inner viking, the hard way.

Because there is no easy way. Ever.

STEP I- Get off the couch.

As a matter of fact, flip the couch, IN SLOW MOTION, then burn it.

Indoors.

Getting rid of apathetic habits can be very challenging. Take it one step at a time.

STEP II- Grow a beard.

Not a goatee, not a soul patch. A beard.

Like, just tell your girlfriend, (if applicable) that she can either love you the way you are or DIE!!!

STEP III- Buy a large, bladed weapon.

This is only part of it, you must carry it everywhere. And be able to use it efficiently.

when someone approaches you and says "I'm going to take your money and go find your mother."

This is when he/she has violated the writ of OH MY GOSH, TIME TO DIE!

Follow up with the following steps:

i) draw your weapon, and let out a loud war cry- (this can be everything from a loud, guttural scream to a couple words, but no more than four, ex. "BOOM, ROASTED!" or "MRREAAGGHHH!" or perhaps "EAT STEEL, HATER!"

ii) swing your weapon at your oppressor's head.

If you hit the neck, no big deal, they'll still die.

iii) strike your opponent in the face.

should you have a fail moment and hit their shoulder, pray they're not wearing armor, cause they might have a gun.

STEP IV- Form a warband.

A cord of three strands is not easily broken, but when you get thirteen-

holy freaking crap...

13 is the ideal number, more is okay but less if a FAIL.

People to avoid when forming a warband:

-Drunkards: The common misconception is that vikings were complete drunkards, this is mostly false, vikings were only drunks when they could, like on days where no battle was present, or something threatening at hand. Complete drunkards are not battle worthy.

They are however, great bait for the enemy, think about it, a raging drunk man, thinking he's a viking, when he's not... win?

Women- they can be great fighters, but they cannot grow beards, therefore invalid.

STEP V- Slay something huge.

Obviously, work your way up.

Then, go out and find something large and kill it, I don't mean hippo large... find a dragon or a Wendigo or perhaps a Sasquatch, and kill it. But don't just kill it, put a twist on it-

here are some options:

Fight it:

-with no weapon

- with your pants around your ankles

- with a younger sibling on your back.

- blindfolded

- with only dropkicks

-With a Nickelback song

(that may not be as hard, actually)

There! you've found your inner viking!

YAAAYYY!-

I mean,

AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

thank you friends.